Scales are the work of the devil if you ask me. The best thing I ever did was throw the scales out and stop dieting.
The experiences I will post over the next few days are not in any chronological order or any particular structure; they meander and twist and turn back upon themselves. I did not and do not have a straight path to self-care and self-acceptance. I doubt if anybody does. But, if you will forgive me stretching this metaphor to its utmost limits, I have now made it a substantial way down that path, even if I do sometimes still get lost.
The last time I owned a set of scales was also, not suprisingly, the period in which I fought my last concerted war on my body’s size. There were, however, also a few isolated battles here and there for a few years after as I struggled with self acceptance. This would have been around 13 or 14 years ago and I was at my worst point with body image.
I was eating only a diet shake for breakfast, an apple and a diet shake for lunch and one actual (but small) meal for dinner. That’s it. Oh, and some nutritional supplements. One can’t induce ketosis without making sure that one has adequate vitamin intake, can one?
Most days, I somehow managed to withstand the hunger and stay on the diet rations. Other days, I would snap from the self-denial and hunger and methodically purchase and binge on large quantities of food.
And then there were those scales.
I varied between weighing myself daily and weighing myself weekly. I would also measure my waist, hips and thighs, and I recorded my diminishment on an obsessively laid out piece of paper which I had taped to the bathroom wall. But it didn’t really matter how frequently I stepped on the scales; what mattered was that I somehow lost sight of weight as just being a number. My sense of self worth was entirely dependent on how much weight I had lost (or had not lost) in a particular week.
In the end, I managed to lose about 30 kilos or so but I did it at the expense of my peace of mind and my overall well-being. Of course, I also put all the weight back on well within the usual 2-5 year period.