On The Treadmill

I am so bogged down in my Depression, right now. There is not one thing that doesn’t feel like it is too much or too hard or too something. Nothing helps. I feel like a rat on a treadmill; I only fool myself that I am moving forward. But I do keep struggling onwards… or trying to. Feels like I’m struggling through sand, or treacle, or something like that.

God, I wish I had the luxury of being able to stop and recuperate. Some ‘me’ time. The struggling on is really getting to me, getting me down. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s an option. Firstly, there’s the fact of John’s illness. Then there is the fact that over the last 3 or 4 years, work has given me between 40 & 50 weeks of sick leave (not sure of the exact amount) due to the Depression and my last major struggle with it. That’s their policy and they are very supportive of people with illnesses, however, I do not think it reasonable to ask for yet another stretch of time off (even if it was only a short stretch). And, of course, stopping might actually be the wrong thing to do; I might find myself buried under the doona and unable to get up.

So, there is no viable alternative other than to keep on keeping on and to strap that damned Smilie Mask in place. Smiling when I feel suicidal. Working when I feel like crashing to a total halt. Faking enthusiasm when I feel dead inside.

I am trying to keep the D under control with ‘natural’ methods; therapy, aromatherapy, taking care of myself (ha ha). And those methods are keeping me going – I’m ‘functioning’ – but they aren’t really helping beyond that. I don’t want to go back on medication because of the side effects.

What’s really frustrating (and depressing) is the feeling that I am never going to feel quite right. Ok, maybe that’s a given when you have Dysthmic Depression with episodic Major Depression, right? Life is never a box of chocolates when you are always experiencing mild to moderate depression, right? Maybe.

But, holy crap, I feel like I had only just started to get my life back on track after the last episode of Major Depression eased off… Really, I only started back at work full-time in May or June last year (although I then chose to go part-time in August), and now, less than a year later, I’m crashing again? Where’s the fucking justice and fairness and karmic balance in that?

God. I can’t remember the last time I felt remotely ‘normal’ (ie. a ‘5’ on the mood scale where 1 = ‘the most depressed you can feel’, and 10 = ‘the happiest you can feel’), let alone the last time I felt that my mood was on the happy side of things.

Well, not much more I can say, really, is there.


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June 2004
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