Shadowed Pain

I’m sitting here tonight feeling slightly blah. Translated, that means I am feeling depressed, overwhelmed and tired. I haven’t blogged much lately on what I am feeling, due in a small part to the fact that I suspect that people just aren’t interested. The main reason, however, is that I am dealing with ever more personal and emotive topics in therapy, most of which are inappropriate to write about here – but which stir up huge waves of pain.

I dislike having to censor myself on this blog. I have always prided myself on my level of disclosure; that I ‘tell it like it is’. I have written some raw, emotional stuff here and it has been purging, therapeutic, catalystic. It has gotten me through some very bad times. So to self-censor feels like I am cheating myself. It feels dishonest to tell only half the story, the public view.

However I can’t be fully honest about the shit that is coming up for me – not because I am fearful of strangers reading my personal details – but because some of my family read this blog. There are feelings, thoughts, secrets and pains that I need to work through and gain some perspective on. There are things that are as yet too ‘tender’ to be spoken about to them, some things which may never be spoken. That’s simply a fact.

And once again, I lament the fact that I can’t write what I want to write – uncensored and as it poors from my heart – on this page, that I can’t use this page, as I have in the past, to gain perspective on what I am going through.

So if much of what I have posted recently seems impersonal, that is why. It’s easier to avoid the shadowed topics altogether than to write a post where every thing is mysterious and unsaid.

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July 2003
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