Archive for December, 2002

It’s HERE!

And I’ve been playing. Below are some thumbnails of photos I took today to try the camera out. Clicking on them will open a larger image (approx. 30k each).

Lexi Dying Flowers 1 Bulol Dying Flowers 2

Oh, and if anyone knows of a script to open the images in a window that fits them, I’d be grateful if you could point me in the right direction; I’ve been trying to find one that works (or, more to the point, that I can get to work) for a while.

Modified 5 Jan 03 to include the popup script suggested by Tortilla Girl


Customs, Shmustoms, just gimme my camera!

I’ve just heard that I am not going to get my camera in time for Christmas. While it arrived in Sydney on 22nd, it has been in Customs’ hot little hands since then, waiting for clearance. Apparently there are delays of 24 – 48 hours in Customs at the moment, which should mean my camera will clear today, right? Too bad – I have just been informed by the courier company that even if it does clear today, it is too late (!) for them to deliver it, and it won’t leave Customs until Friday 28th at the earliest!

Damn. It might sound shallow, but looking forward to having my camera has been one of the few things that is holding me together at the moment. Nevermind. Perhaps I’ll have it by New Years?

Damned mask-wearing camels!

I don’t exactly know where to start this post, but I need to get a few things off my chest. That seems to be this month’s theme, doesn’t it. It seems that I have been wearing the mask too often, as people seem think to that I am ‘coping’. Well, guess what? I am not.

Oh, I’ve been managing to drag myself to work every single day. I’ve been managing to smile and be witty at the Reception desk all day. I’ve managed to come home and deal with as much housework as I can make myself do (although according to John it is still not enough). I’ve been managing to pretend that things are OK.

All of that has been a struggle. Work is the worst. It seems like every single little bit of my energy goes into gathering enough energy to get up and go, and then to make it through the day. Is it any wonder I don’t have any energy left over to have a proper relationship with my partner? That would be difficult at the best of times, given that John works nights and I work days, but as I am feeling now, it’s impossible. I just don’t have the energy to cope.

The fact of the matter is that one more straw won’t break the camel’s back; its back has been broken for a long time now, but it’s just been plodding along, in a great deal of pain, trying to carry its burden.

Do I really need to list everything that I am going through? Shouldn’t it be enough that I let people know that I am in a great deal of pain and am having difficulty coping? Hell, I’ve done that enough over the past month or so, more in the last week, but there is still no support.

Do you want it spelled out?

Well, whether you want it or not, here it is.

Each and every day of my life is full of pain.

My depression has not ever really lifted; not much, not fully. People forget that. Right now, leading up to Christmas, with the news about The Prick and 300,000 other stressors on my shoulders, it is just about as bad as it ever has been.

Some days I can conceal my pain better than others. Most of the time, the mask slides in place without me realising it. It’s a defence mechanism that conceals the fact that I feel suicidal nearly every day. People don’t like dealing with Melanie-in-pain. They want Melanie-with-smiles.

Sometimes the mask slips; sustaining the concealment 24 hours a day is impossible. Mostly it happens at home, when I have exhausted my scarce reserves at work. Me-minus-the-mask, is the real me. Deal with it. Minus the mask, I can’t dissemble, I can’t pretend not to be in pain. I can’t be reasonable; that is beyond me. I can’t give you the attention you deserve; that requires mental, physical, spiritual and emotional resources that I don’t have right now.

A peice of advice that is given to me regularly is to “fake it until you make it.” Well, I’m faking, but there’s no making.

I am not coping. I am putting every effort into getting well, but it is not working. Pretending that everything is fine, and searching for positives does not work, either. If anything, I just feel more removed and depressed because I know that, theoretically, it should make a difference

I don’t know how much longer I can sustain… anything. I need help and support that seems to have been withdrawn from me. My own fault I know. The mask has fooled people.

I once saw with my own eyes the Sibyl of Cumae hanging in a jar, and when the children asked 
her, ëSibyl, what do you want?, she answered, ëI want to 
TS Eliot. The Wasteland


I spent most of today sleeping! That’s right. I got up at about 9:30, did some housework, checked my email – all quietly, so as not to wake John. He eventually got up at about 2pm to go to work, so after he left, I crawled on to the bed to cuddle Zelda… and was woken up by the phone ringing at 8:30! I must have needed it.

Candidly yours, Melanie

My blog has been reviewed by Bloggy Opinions, and I am pleased to say that the comments were overwhelmingly positive. Keith even found a way to put a constructive spin on my recent emotional blurtings — that you get to know the real me, minus the sugar-coating. Well, I guess you do.

As a matter of fact, as I have been discussing with Meredith from Invisible Shoebox, I deliberately try not to censor myself when writing in my blog. I primarily see this blog as a therapeutic place for me, and if it is to be at all therapeutic, I feel I have to be candid, exposing myself warts and all. And if someone likes to read it, all the better.




December 2002
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