Warning: Depressive Rant

Did I mention anywhere that I have a meeting with the work doctor tomorrow to determine whether or not I start back at work? I am so agitated and worried about it, that it is not funny. I am worried about the actual meeting, about starting back at work, about the possibility of having to stop work again if it doesn’t work out. Over the past year, I have started back at work around 3(?) times, and each time ended up having a huge depression CRASH which resulted in having to have time off again.

I keep telling myself that my anxiety is just normal anxiety, but you know what? I am not certain that it is. My dilema is that when I am in a stress-free environment (like home) I am more or less able to keep my depression in check. Oh, it’s still there. It is here every day with me, but I can talk myself out of some of the dysfunctional thinking, or I can retreat in to my bedroom and things aren’t so bad. And I have been doing OK recently. But the operative words are “stress-free”. Tomorrow is not stress-free and I am panicking about it already. How on earth will I be able to handle work — even if the stuff they give me at work when I get back is the equivalent of basket weaving — when I can’t even handle thinking about work.

The twisted, convoluted, overly-emotional thinking of a depressed person, only seeing the bad stuff, right? That’s what you are thinking, isn’t it? Well, maybe that is what is happening, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, and I can’t just Polyanna it away with a couple of sentences like “It will be a challenge” or “Won’t I feel a sense of acheivement when it is over.” or anything like that.

Just as well I am going to my therapist tomorrow morning as well. Maybe he can help me cope.


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July 2002
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