Depressive Rantings (as usual…)

If you want to know what I have been up to recently, it is a big, fat nothing. I’ve buried myself in total depressive isolation. I don’t go out (I’ve managed to get to the corner shop twice). I fear picking up the phone. My only contact with the outside world is through John and the internet.

Don’t tell me it’s not healthy…I know. I just have too much apathy and fear to do something about it.

I know what one is supposed to do in this situation is make oneself go out and answer the phone etc., the reason behind it being that the more you do, or come in contact with, the thing you fear, the less you are frightened of it. Yeah, well, I’m scared of spiders too, and no way is anyone making me hold one, so why should it be any different for this.

Oh, don’t lecture me. Really. Until you have been here, you don’t know.

You know, I was doing all the “right” things. Pretending. Wearing the mask. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t make me feel better one bit, it just makes people around me feel better, because they don’t have to face the fact of my depression.

Perhaps I was feeling better like I wrote last month, or – maybe – I had just managed to convince myself that since I was “being a good girl” and “taking my medication” and “doing everything doctor told me” I must have been getting better. I don’t know. Maybe I am painting things black from my current perspective, but feeling good for so short a time feels so illusory, like splashing through a moon in a pond.

I feel like writing poetry (which is never a good sign), but I won’t. I think poetry makes me more melancholy and self-involved than I already am. My last poem was written a week or so before my suicide attempt. (Note to Mother –No, I am not going to do anything, and yes, this is “talking” about my feelings).

John has been really busy the past couple of weeks, doing some work for one of the artists in the Sydney Biennale. In fact, he was commissioned to photograph and supervise the printing of a major portion of the artist’s work for the festival. This is a big break for John, and he has had some introductions to some quite influential people in the Sydney art scene. He might get some similar work out of it, or perhaps be commissioned to document a show, or even – hopefully – be curated.

So overall, this project, his Honours studies and chefing for $ have kept John pretty busy, almost non-stop. John is naturally easily stressed. He worries, sometimes about little things. Even though he is stressed to the max at the moment, it might be a good thing, because he doesn’t have time to torture himself with the small details. He just needs an assistant to keep track of where he put his keys…


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May 2002
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