Finally posting to my blog. I haven’t had the energy or the will to do it over the last few days….anything that I did have went into creating an award scheme for my mum and dad’s website (’cause I enjoy working on it, not ’cause they asked me).
I am supposed to be going to a party tonight, but don’t really feel like it. My Dr and John both think I should force myself, but it’s not them having to force themselves is it? I get sooooo sick of having to work at ‘getting well’ and ‘being a good girl’ and ‘doing what is good for me’ and ‘doing what I am told’. Crap, bullshit and more crap!
Yeah, I know, it’s the depression talking, but why can’t it have a voice? Why can’t it rebel from the shitty rules that supposedly keep it silent and in check. Right now, I bet you are saying, that I’ve lost it, that if I’ve personified my depression, I must be nuts. So be it.
Last night I had a really strange but horrible dream. I was intending to type it all out here for posterity, but dreams are weird things, and if one attempts to tell every aspect of it (especially in writing) it makes no sense at all. I will tell you one element though:
For some reason that I have lost since waking (since nothing in dreams has a logical reason in the light of day) we had 8 couples move into our warehouse. It was supposed to be temporary, but they were beginning to make themselves at home and settle in for a long stay – we asked them to leave and they wouldn’t. They were sleeping in the back part of the warehouse where our office is on sleeping bags, bean bags and what ever they could find. I should explain that our warehouse looked larger but more rundown than it is now, with all these hidden corners with rusting shelving and dust. All these people did was complain, firstly that there were no beds for them, and then that there were no power points in the back area, that they had no storage space and that the house was filthy. I was really angry. Who were these people – who we had taken in, who weren’t paying anything and wouldn’t leave – to tell me that I should clean the house? But I did it anyway. I vacumed and dusted the entire house thoroughly, but when I finished, I noticed that the bits that I had cleaned before were filthy again….huge clumps of dust and cat hair were covering every surface in a thick layer. I had to sweep the floors again, since obviously the vacume was ineffective.
I finally finished, and the squatters came ‘home’, full of complaints as usual. This time they wanted storage space, calling John and me selfish because we were using our drawers and cupboards. I had to find them empty drawers, and did find some, but they still weren’t satisfied. They them started to go on about power points again. Now in my dream I told them were each and every power point was in the house and why, since this is a warehouse space, there aren’t more, especially in the back part where they were squatting – even why there are some industrial power points still left around. Still not satisfied, they found their way in to this dusty back room (which doesn’t exist in reality, by the way) filled with disused and rusting cupboards containing electical wiring and cabling, and other technical looking things. They wanted to mess around in there themselves, and ‘reconnect’ the electricity, but I pointed out to them that it could be dangerous, particularly if it hadn’t been touched in a while. Again, they weren’t satisfied, but they realised the sense of that advice and left the room.
John then arrived home and had to cook them dinner, while they stood around the kitchen area and whinged. Even though it wasn’t cold, one guy wanted to plug in his heater – again complaining about the lack of powerpoints – and I had to find him a socket, which I did. All the time though, I was wondering how we were going to pay the extra electricity bills these people would create, since we couldn’t make them pay anything, or even get them to leave.
That’s when I woke up. Yeah, I know. It’s a depression dream, right? About where I am right now in my so-called treatment. Tell me something I don’t know…..