I had the best day today that I have had in a long time, in terms of no depression symptoms. I feel like I am finally making progress. Can it be too much to hope for that things will stay this way for a while, or is a crash inevitable. I hope not.

  • I managed to get up earlier than usual to get to work an hour earlier
  • I handled Guy’s job at the beck and call of people (something I haven’t done since I have been back at work, although I used to do it before) and I didn’t get stressed.
  • I was very productive. Very little depression vagueness (or at least, it was a bit better than usual)
  • I had a very full weekend (Friday night drinkies, Zoo on Sat, Steph’s on Sun) which would normally knock my sideways, and flat on my back. You tend to get very physically, mentally and spiritually weary with depression.
  • I am coping with people more….less anxiety attacks…..contacting friends I had lost touch with
  • I had a slight down day the other day when I found out I have Keratoconus, but the big thing is that I didn’t STAY DOWN. This time last year, or even earlier this year, that would have sent me in to a seriously suicidal spin. Hell, I was seriously suicidal without anything actually happening. So I am lucky I found this out now, rather than earlier as I would most likely be dead.

I think I may have overdone things a little by staying back to 6pm at work (am now supposed to work 10-5). I have to remember that just because I am starting to feel better, I can’t over do things. If I push to hard, I could end up back where I started.

It’s funny…I was speaking to one of my depressed friends the other day, and she asked whether I ever wished that I was bi-polar (ie. manic-depressive) rather than uni-polar (just plain clinically depressed). I had, in fact, and thought I was the only one. Why would you want to be manic-depressive, you ask? Because if you have to go through the hell of depression and impotence, at least you have the payback of ecstacy and a feeling of omnipotence. Manic-depressives quite often don’t want to be on medication when they are in a manic phase, simply because they feel so damned good. Since I have been basically living at a lower level of enjoyment than other people all my life with chasms of deep depression (I have been diagnosed with episodic major depression and med-mild depression the rest of the time), I can’t help wondering what it feels like to feel really good. Firstly on a ‘normal’ level (ie. what Joe Bloggs on the street feels when he is happy) and secondly, on a manic level (full on hyper exhuberance)


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April 2002
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