All of which this post is not. With all of the shit that has been happening in my life and with my current work situation, the Depression is rearing its ugly head again.
I’m tired, lethargic, lacking in motivation and unable to concentrate. I feel that all my energy is going into surviving my work day, with nothing left over for me. Or for my relationship. I feel like there is no hope and no future. I feel empty. I feel like shit. I feel that there is not one area of my life that is not fucking up. I only feel somewhat human late at night. I feel isolated and alone, that no-one understands (or wants to understand) what I am going through. I wish for death.
Classic depresion stuff, isn’t it? Right out of the text book.
I really feel like I need some time off, some time to myself, but that is not going to happen. Any sick days I have are still unpaid, and I just can’t afford that. I’ve also used up most of my annual leave in the last couple of months, and I want to ration out the rest of my leave so that I can have a break before or at Christmas.
Yes, I am full of self pity at the moment, thank you very much. That’s what depression does. And it’s bloody hard to fight against the negative momentum once it’s grabbed you by the short and curlies. It took me more than 2 years to get to the point where I wasn’t feeling suicidal every single day, and that has now gone out the window.